I want to move on but it kills me inside that he is out having the time of his life and showing no remorse whatsoever for the lives hes destroying. So I was alone with my counselor. I would suggest that you stop trying to get her back and instead focus your energies on yourself. We laugh, we talk about normal things. Last night he texted me and asked if I wanted him to pick up dinner, which was nice. My CH never said that wanted to leave our marriage, just have fun with somebody else. Wow! c. You also tell him that you have noticed that the two of you are on two different paths. I, being the chump I am, told him to go ahead and talk to her that one time because she was in crisis. When we first separated for the most part he seemed okay, he wanted to come here every night to see the baby, but he would leave and he seemed to be fine and it killed me. So I had the same issue with two people in my household at the same time!!! And that started the beginning of him changing. Why would I want a man who wants to live the way he is living. And I just hate it bc I TRULY know I am a good woman. Doug: Youre saying thats something you shouldnt have done? Plan your own social life dont feel obligated to include him in you plans. And when she told me they were s seeing each other it explained everything. I am sorry you are suffering through this. It can be very little things but whatever you need to do is better than nothing. A month later we went to the workshop. I have been an emotional roller coaster and have been doing everything I can to win back my wife; from begging and pleading, to showering her with love, to contacting her AP to tell him to leave her alone. He threw in the towel. I played along b/c I had no $ to my name. He wont hear or acknowledge that he has a problem so hes always out seeking validation from women. Anyway, we got back together, he proposed to me, I said yes (I just thought the wedding wouldnt be right away and we would resolve our issues before the wedding). A few weeks of that and we were headed for a divorce. Its called the Plan B. We are still together b/c he realized at the last possible second I was leaving him. Because if I said I wanted a D (in his mind) I ended the M. In his mind his A had no impact or reason for the D. Separate. And because of all those lies, they cant even reason with him about everything he is giving up. You and your wife can get past this but only if you both want it. She has told me last Monday that she has stopped contacting him so this might be a positive. Walked out to my car, started looking at them and thought I throw up right then and there. Which is what happened at DDay2 for me. The concert would have gone until like 1 at the earliest. This will never work. He did not know what he wanted. I do not do his laundry or errands or cater to him. We have all been through some aspect of the above I some way shape or form. The anger of the OW totally throws me off. He is saying he doesnt want to change. He wanted what he wanted. Think of the affair like an addiction. I could no longer function under the black cloud of infidelity. She had aborted 2 babies because she tried to trap men with a pregnancy and they didnt go for it. He was still cheating. You tried everything else. Yeah, did not like that. Its a sad sad state. One thing that may help (though I doubt he will be willing) is some sort of divorce type counseling so that the air is cleared and your relationship with him can be such that the kids do not suffer any further emotional damage. I hope you can gain some perspective. When they were done yelling she would not even acknowledge except to say Can I help you?. Webmidlife crisis when the fog lifts. I would say, six months later, yes, but was it my behaviors? Im saying you change by re-defining your marriage. WebIt is actually very common once the affair fog lifts and they see their affair partner in everyday real life. I hope you can get there. Before the A I would have backed down in The first 5 minutes. She needs to make her decisions on her own and I doubt that she really moved out to find herself. Perhaps thats a small part of the reason, but I bet she did more so that she could spend more time with the affair partner. There is very little the spouse can do to change the cheater during the fog. He sees me one way and has painted this picture in his mind, and that will not change at all until im detached enough to where he has to face that im no longer controlling him, im no longer holding him back, and somehow hes still feeling the way hes feeling. In the last 7 months he has moved out, moved back, moved out again, tried starting over with me, swore to never speak to her, spoke to her, had relations with her, tried to work things out with me, moved out again, etc etc. You can read the comments from that discussion here: https://www.emotionalaffair.org/discussion-how-do-you-get-the-cheating-spouse-out-of-the-affair-fog/. At some point you will get tired, beaten down, worn out, emotionally exhausted and tired of playing some sick twisted game where the Cheater gets to call the shots. H has not cracked the book yet, 6 weeks later. But everyday I think to myself, I would probably be better off alone right now. This situation is unfair to you. You tell him you want to talk openly and honestly. When I wanted to try and talk he refused. Long story short, I was willing to forgive him but he couldnt cut her off. I have a party for my brother Saturday night, which a year ago, would be an absolute given we would go as a family. It always seems to start as friendship and its like if they bite, (to any kind of online sex chat thing or whatever) he would bite back. They are living in cloud cuckoo land. It's when they have lost their home, friends, family, and above all else self respect. For the life of me I cannot remember where, so I cant give proper credit, but here it is anyways. Why not back when I was DESPERATE to fix it instead of completely ambivalent? Midlife crisis and depression have some common symptoms, including difficulty concentrating, insomnia, irritability, and reckless behavior. And then he texts me Monday and says he will stay at the house since im not feeling well and he will pick up dinner to cook for us.Am I losing my mind or is that confusing in itself? Dishonest. You can do this. I feel like they are evidence we did something right. (He has ED, so..). As you all have experienced this pain, no need to go into great detail. Talk about feeling like a major sap! But I think that even if it would have transpired and you would have left, or I would have left, or whatever, I think probably in two days time, I would have been crawling back with my tail between my legs because reality would have hit big time. If I feel this way, I am sure he feels this way x10. And do not mention the OW for now. Forgiveness takes a long time. The First Wife When he doesnt have me, he seems to finally wake up. Their beliefs are reflected in their actions; loving to the affair partner, and angry and hostile towards the betrayed. My H initially went to counseling twice and quit. Im a couple weeks late to this conversation, but have you considered telling him to stay home with the baby one night because you have plans? A clear understanding of what you are legally entitled to in case of a D. Alimony and child support. But maybe im wrong. However, these crises can often be associated with I didnt think I was being needy at all, but after reading somethings I see that thats exactly how ive been. That they are friends. Your H is not reconciling or fighting for the M AND claims he has not spoken to the OW in a month or so. its exactly what I need to do, and I know it. Oh absolutely, he has blamed me for SO much. Unless he wants to change which he doesnt think he has a problem so he is not going to you have a choice. Even if illegal or in our case, immoral and against the M. The stupid thing is my H was ready to run off into Fantasyland with the OW. Stated out by spilling her guts to my husband about her partner, who was a man she had just stolen from another woman. I think at this point he has multiple OW and is making bad choices but they are his choices not yours. But he was in the fog and it was awful. But I LOVE HIM, And I love who he is, and I just dont know where that person is anymore. And it made his head spin. Im going to be honest as painful as it is. It will help you and your marriage. If he goes running off to the OW well that is on him!!! One of our problems is he thinks i dont like him going out with friends etc, so I have tried very hard to work on that. You are wasting your time. Some recent behaviors led me to believe she was continuing the EA. You cannot get them to change UNLESS THEY WANT TO CHANGE! Im serious on that sorry to say. They believe this new love is real. I want a family life that he used to want and he no longer wants that. She was so screwed up mentally. I dont know why I am doing anything I do these days. First wife you give such excellent advice! I knew he could easily write off other people, but never me. He may try to blame you. I am assuming he means that I want things to go back to how they were too quickly. Its RUDE to go out all night and not even inform me when we live in the same house and im at home raising the baby. I regret getting married to him. But part of me just puts so many random puzzle pieces together and thinks he is lying. BTW after your married what was his schedule in terms of going out with friends? I dont know. He is just too cowardly to say it. But you are NOT allowing him to cheat. Financial access to all accounts and documents. I can kick him out for sure and maybe he will be sad for a few days, but im left completely devastated, thinking of all the good times we used to have. And I wont back down. He will regret it one day. . Dont we wish we could go back and have a do over. I know I am a good wife, I know he has loved me TO DEATH until all of this, I know this OW in reality does not hold a candle to me. K. Im sorry you continue to go through this. I really hope I have done whats right. I know im supposed to be living my life for me, but its more like im living my life TRYING to do what I think will open his eyes. I know he thinks im being fake and im just letting this all happen bc I want him back, but I think hes starting to pick up on me doing things for myself. And I get it bc I am exhausted too. You need to turn it around that he is fearful of losing you. But maybe he doesnt even know he is slowly losing me. You understand that he has made this choice, but unfortunately it is not OK with you. Its as if they become addicted to the affair, needing the constant high it brings, many times with total disregard for the betrayed spouse. He got back in town after the 2 days, I am about 95% he was with her, and he came here as soon as he got back and I ALMOST had a meltdown but I walked away and let him spend time with the baby and I went into the bedroom. First he stayed bc I had a bad cold and he helped through the night with the baby for 2 nights. You tell him that you have noticed that he is not willing to be a family. After I got back with him he got trust issues which make me furious. Tells us that he has no contact with her outside work. I dont want to live with my husband and father of my child just bc it makes it easier, even though he may be emotionally cheating still and im getting no affection, im walking on egg shells, I dont feel loved by any means. I feel good about myself. It was a combination of things. He needed to be shown the door. But I keep telling myself just stick it out a little. She said that it was a form of escape and that she would end it. And the pattern will continue with one fake and phony relationship after another. Sorry this is so long, I am a littler nervous to publish this to a website! When here in the house at least I can see hes out, hes drinking too much, and he may not be the man I want for my life anyways. I needed to save myself first for my sake and that if my children. I have always been the most important person to him, I know he has loved me more than he loved ANYONE in his life, like I was just the one thing that really mattered, and now I feel like I dont matter and im so confused by that. Part despair, part guilt, a dose A view from the other side - Various Fog stories I want SO BADLY to do this 180, I have moments of such confidence where I feel like im going to be fine no matter what, and then I have such moments of sadness where I feel like this is just the worst situation and will never get better and that if I feel this bad then he must too and must think our life at home is miserable, etc. And I went along with it. I dont know where his head is right now, I dont know if hes leaning towards divorce, but I do think hes still talking to original OW and im sure she pushed that. Everyone thinks im great and we are a fantastic couple so I guess thats good. The ego boost. I dont understand it. And I didnt, and I will always regret that. Im not saying he is cheating now. Sunday mornings there were long lines. The fog is the hardest thing to forgive and to get and he was done being married. Dont be me. There is nothing to show otherwise that anything woukd be different. I never thought my life could take this kind of turn, and when it took this turn, I NEVER thought that this many months later I would still be in a position of heading towards divorce, when I know thats not what I want, but I fear he will do it just bc he doesnt know how to fix it and doesnt want to right now.
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